Monday, November 10, 2008

Struggling with Emotions...

The confusing cycles we go through during weight loss are very hard to deal with at times.

When we start this journey we are all excited about finally becoming THIN. We are gung-ho in the beginning if we are truly dedicated this time around. When we see the pounds dropping off the excitement continues and it keeps us on the straight and narrow of our path. We start seeing a difference in our bodies and hear from others that they are seeing it too. What a wonderful feeling to know and see the changes we are working so hard to make.

Then somewhere along the way we discover that it isn't all about being THIN but about being healthier. We realize that we are feeling better not just about our looks but inside too. We can walk farther without huffing and puffing. The joints in our legs don't hurt as much any more and what a wonderful feeling that can be. We discover exercise and some of us get a real natural high form it.

We try experimenting by adding more exercise or different exercises to find the right mix for us. And we try incorporating our favorite foods into our daily or weekly food intake to satisfy our cravings. We finally find the right mix and are euphoric that we have found the correct path for our lifetime journey. Along the way we have discovered that this is indeed a lifetime journey because we know in our hearts and heads that if we don't stick to this new life style we will be back up there where we began if not larger. And we really don't want to go there again. Ever!!

Then a plateau happens. Yea, just happens. The first week we just accept it as part of the process. Then when the weeks continue it becomes harder and harder to accept. Discouragement sets in. We want to quit and just enjoy our food again without measuring and weighing and eating so many salads we feel like we are going to turn into a head of lettuce. At this point some of us to give up. At this point some of us take a side track. And at this point some of us just understand and have the resolve to continue no matter what happens.

Well, I'm among the side tracked group right now. The closer I get to goal (66 pounds gone and 33 to go) the slower it comes off and the harder it is to stick with it. Yes, I know, I am only two thirds there and not really that close to goal but at this point I am so discouraged that I really have entertained thoughts of just giving up. I won't though. After all, I gave away all my "fat" clothes and don't want to buy any new "fat" clothes, ever!! So here I set wondering what I'm going to do. I am so sick of cooking healthy, I am so sick of cooking just for me, I am so sick of the whole shebang.

Those of you that have followed me for a while know that I don't exercise. I tried it and it just doesn't work for me. It felt wonderful when I started and I was really excited about getting healthier in that aspect too. But when I started exercising is when my plateaus started and even gains. Sure the clothes were getting a little smaller but we all know what the numbers on the scale do to our minds.

I am in this alone, physically that is. I know I have all of you, constant readers, but you can't be with me to exercise with. I am just not the type of person that likes doing things or going places alone. After all, these past 2 1/2 years are the only years in my 62 1/2 years that I've ever been alone. And it isn't just about likes, it's about being terribly uncomfortable doing things alone. I have anxiety attacks when I try going somewhere or doing something alone. I've purchased about 6 exercise DVD's and can't even make myself do any of them in the privacy of my home by myself. I've got dance DVD's, exercise DVD's, yoga DVD's...I even got 2 of Richard Simmons "Sweatin' to the Oldies" DVD's and the plastic wrapper is still on them. I know I have to get over this and just start doing something but I can't seem to make myself, despite all your encouragement.

So, right now I am side tracked mentally. I have quit journaling my food intake. I am keeping track of it in my head and so far I haven't done too badly but I'm just sick and tired of obsessing over this. I want that magic wand that will make all of this go away and POOF I'll be thin and healthy. Ever feel that way? Only every minute of every day, huh?

I really wish that there was someone in my life, in my home with me to help me through this and encourage me hourly to continue. For some reason the dogs like me no matter how I look or how healthy I am and don't care either way...stupid dogs. Don't they realize that being healthier I'll be here longer for them, to take care of them, to love them? Sure wish they could talk. I live in an area where there isn't a place where I could meet someone new for my life. I do love where I live and have lived in the country setting so long that I wouldn't be able to live in a city any more so moving isn't an option. Not only because of my comfort but financially either.

I know I'm not alone with most of these feelings. I know you have been there too. But I just had to get it off my chest. Maybe that will help.

Hope your week is better than mine seems to be starting out to be.


Sparky said...

Very touching post.

I don't have any words of wisdom but I do identify a lot with what you have said.

I bet you are a whole lot healthier now than what you were 66 pounds ago.

Right now a goal of maintaining would be a good idea. Too many people get fed up and then start climbing back up the weight ladder. If you need a break, take a break but keep an eye on things once a week and adjust as needed.

Maintaining is a victory.

Sorry if I sould like an enabler but I believe it. When you are ready you will start again and figure out how badly you want to lose those 33 pounds and how to do it. Eating less is not always the answer.

April said...

I agree with sparky take a break but be mindful not to let the weight creep back on. I love reading your blog and you are an inspiration.

grammy said...

Hang in there. Wish I had some really great advice...Maybe this is cabin fever setting in already. Do you have a seniors group in a town near you? To do some fun things with once in awhile. Do you have some women friends to hang out with? Invite them over for a weekend at the cabin to...craft? Scrapbook? Watch movies? Could you look into having a roomate? How about staying at the daughters for a week or so? Do you have a church to be involved in? Could you volunteer at the humane society? Is there such a thing as a book group on the internet that people read the same book and discuss it? Just a bunch of suggestions to get your mind pondering. (o:

JC said...

For what it is worth, I understand about being alone but I don't have any dogs. When my marriage ended, I just thought I would find someone else. I haven't but then for the most part I'm content. No panic attacks, anything I want to do I do. You could try the internet for meeting someone. A friend of mine did that. I thought she had lost her mind but it worked. They have been married about 8 or 9 years now. I'm afraid I would find a crazy person. HA!!!

If you sick of eating healthy then eat what you want but a whole lot less of it. Could work! Now for me I would have a reall problem with the lot less of it part. Gotta run catch you later.

Cammy said...

Awww, I'm so sorry you're having a bummer of a week and I soooo wish I was there to give you a big ol' {{{{smushy hug}}}.

Then I'd bop you on the head. Why? For this: "only two-thirds there". ONLY? Deb, that's AMAZING! So many of us don't make it nearly as far as you have. No matter what you decide to do from here on out, please recognize your accomplishment and rejoice in it. It took a lot of courage, determination, and will to get where you are now. I'm proud of you for sticking it out.

Now, all that said, I also understand your frustration at your plateau. It's so maddening to do the right things (or what you think are the right things) and not be "rewarded" for it.

I've tried to come up with some sort of worthwhile suggestions, but I'm sadly lacking any brain power today. The only thing that occurs to me is that maybe you should take a break and try maintenance for a while. But then again, we all know that you still have to cook and eat healthy for that, too.

What about changing up your weekly splurge? You could have 'Healthy Meat, Splurge-y Vegetable"

--cara said...

I am so totally with you on this post. It's like you completely read my mind. I just posted a similar blog post after reading yours.

Mommy, I don't know what to tell you. I could give you some encouragement, but I honestly don't have any to give. All I can say is how proud I am of you and how you've stuck to this thing for so long. Of all the "diets" you've tried in your life, this one really seems to have been a great change in your life and I'm so happy for you and so proud of you.

MaryFran said...

Well written post!!! It could be me...oh is the story of my 'journey' did you do that without 'interviewing' me???

All joking aside....I wish I had the words to make it all better and bring back your 'mojo'!

julie said...

Throw out your scale, start exercising. At least walking a whole lot. It's not just about weight, it's always a good idea to have some muscles that aren't decaying. Losing 66 pounds is huge, but you sound like you're on a temporary diet sort of thing, when you likely need to find a lifestyle that you can live with.